Becoming a Phoenix

​When your world around you seems to crash down to the ground,
the very last thing you might think to do is Rise Up.
But having been a Phoenix for the last six plus years,
that choice is no longer a decision in me.
It is an ABSOLUTE must.


I must Rise.
Because that's what we Phoenix's do,
we Rise Up from our ashes.


Suffering changes you.
That is a truth.
And sometimes suffering leads to us falling apart.
Also a truth.
But in the falling apart, you could find a reason to build something new. Something better.
A very potential truth!


When I first created Rising Phoenix CRPS, my first task was naming my group and non profit organization. I wanted the name to correctly describe the disease associated with it, CRPS. And that was tricky for me. I knew I wanted to name the group something empowering, but also accurate to the specific fight's we all face daily.


Having been diagnosed at an earlier age in life, I was immediately taught to be ashamed or embarrassed of this disease. To hide it. Or silently fight it's battles. Those were usually the two options that were presented in front of me. Whether that came in regards to relationships, education, employment, socially, etc. The big point was always to detach and disconnect from that part of my body in public scenarios.


At the beginning of my journey with this disease, I yelled and screamed. I begged for help. And eventually, I stopped. I became to  realize how alone I was. And I began hiding this disease, and all that came with it, from the world, and also from myself. I lost myself. I lost my voice. And the suffering began.


In 2015, I had all of my female organs removed, a full hysterectomy at the young age of 27. I will remember this surgery as the day's that formed me into the Phoenix I am now.


I had so much anger. So much hurt. So much pain. Emotionally, physically, spiritually…
My life began collapsing all around me. Within about a year of the hysterectomy, I became severely unwell. Unable to eat. Or keep my pain levels manageable. By 2017, I was in the emergency room weekly for mal-nutrition and dehydration. By 2018, I was having an NG feeding tube placed. And by 2019, I was on disability.


And let me tell you a little secret I learned along the way….
You can only be Reborn, if you truly know what it feels like to die inside.
And that was a hard truth to face.


I had done just that, died inside. And started to on the outside.
I was lost, alone, and unsure of whether or not I wanted to live anymore.


My sole purpose for continuing was to remind others living with this disease, that more should and could be possible. So from then on, I named my group Rising Phoenix.
And in that I choice, I decided, it wasn't from fear of defeat, it was for hope of more. For us all.
That we Could ALL be Reborn from our pains. 

Every time I sat down to work on the group's tasks, emails, social media, outreach…I needed to be reminded of why I was putting the little bit of energy I had left into building a support group from scratch and nothing else. I needed to be told, to Rise like a Phoenix in those moments. And I needed my potential members to also know, I understood.


In one of my very first meetings (that had an attendee), I was asked "why did you name it Rising Phoenix?"


I remember answering…."Because I have no choice but to Rise from my ashes."


The conversation continued as I explained I felt as if I am rising everyday from something that has completely destroyed me. That at first I was just embers. And lost. And had lost everything, including my will to live.
That there was a point, medically and mentally, that I fell into a dark lonely cave. A cave so deep, that the only way I KNEW how to survive, was to die. Die to everything that no longer served me, or helped me. 


It took me a few more years to really understand the depths of what being a Phoenix really meant. I had to go through more uncertainties. More challenges than I cared to. And more loss than I ever thought imaginable.


But I sit her today…more proud than anything of where those tough times placed me in life. I woke up the other day, and for the first time in a long time, was grateful for everything that lead me here, which has not always been how I felt. I would not be half the person without having gone through each and every single circumstance. I finally realized, I have truly transformed into a Phoenix. Not just in words. Or in hope. But that I embodied one. I had Transformed. 


And I want to remind whoever is reading this now….
That you may not fully understand why you are going through what you are, that it truly is not fair, but that there is beauty in this. If you choose to fight for it. That you too, have the power of reincarnating. And that I will be here for you as you embark on that journey…of BECOMING a PHOENIX!