A letter to future me

Dear Future Me,

Why am I writing you a letter, you ask? Well, first off because my therapist told me to. But to be fair I'm pretty sure it is a good idea. Or it probably would have been had i written it when she had originally told me to. You see, when I met with her earlier today I was in high spirits. I was feeling really good about things, a great direction towards the future, hope that I will get my ketamine treatments resumed quickly, and determination to achieve something meaningful and impactful in my life. I was ready to take on the world.
 
Now I just wonder what the hell am I even fighting for? For more isolation? For more loneliness? For more pain? I don't have many friends, and of those I see none of them. My family visits rarely. My son rarely comes upstairs.  Had to have a talk with him today about how he has been ignoring me and kind of treating me like a leper. That sucked. But I mean its good that he knows how I feel, I guess. But I sit here and I wonder at what point is telling your child things crossing a line between parenting, educating, having a healthy conversation about feelings and emotions, and then going over into the using your kid as an emotional crutch or as your emotional support? Now, yes, you can have your children be your emotional support, but there is still a line that you shouldn't cross. 

For example. The eldest of my sisters. Lets call her...Jane...Jane is married to Jill (also not her name), not that that really matters one way or the other, but just for posterity. Jane and I got into a fight a couple of years ago. Instead of handling things like an adult she told ALL of her children about our fight, including telling them some of the things that I said to her. Which, I'm not proud of everything I said. I mean, none of it was untrue, but definitely unkind. I had a razor tongue dipped in poison and I knew exactly where to strike to make it hurt. And I think its probably because of the honesty that it made it hurt that much more. 

But she said nothing of the things that she did to me to cause that to come out in me. I know, i know, I am in control of my own reactions to other peoples actions, they don't make me do anything. I get that. But I did not have the strength or control to handle it. The CRPS had started eating away at my mind and my sanity and I was losing all grip of reality. I was spiraling into a place so deep and dark that I only saw one possible escape. I turned to her in that moment of darkness, that moment that I needed someone more than I ever needed anyone else in this entire universe. I told her I was feeling suicidal, that I wanted it all to end, I was done with this life and this pain and everything this horrible horrible disease has brought to me. 

She picked a fight instead. I tried to do exactly what it was I told her I wanted to do. I am not proud of that, of my weakness of the moment, of my giving up. But, it happened and it landed me where I was at. But anyway, she decided to tell her children all the terrible horrible things that I said to her but keeping everything that she did to herself. Her children wont speak to me now. I have been there for their whole lives. I was my sisters best friend...or so I thought. But she made an absolutely terrible decision in using her children as emotional crutches. They shouldn't have been involved ever in it. But they did get involved and I lost them all. I feel like a part of me died with the death of that part of my family...and it probably did.

But I guess no use crying over spilled milk, right? I can't go back and change what I said, I can't go back and change how I felt, and I can't go back and change what she did to me. But, I can change who I am becoming and I can change who I lean on. I can become more. I am more...I have to be. The fire changes us into something different...darker...maybe a little more mysterious...and definitely less understood.  Maybe one day they will see that things aren't as much in black and white as their mother made it seem. The shades of gray in the entire situation color more than anything else. But I don't want to talk about it anymore...maybe another day I will get into it.

I know there is joy out there...I'm just having a hard time feeling it right now. Everything just seems like its one step too far away for me to grasp. Maybe I'm just tired. of the fight.

Love and Light - Remember you have got this. You made it through that, you have made it through today, and you will make it through tomorrow.

Faith
P.S.: Oh, future me? Past me is a depressive shit.
​Don't be like past me. Chin up.