monotony of chronic illness

​Monotony 
 
noun

1. lack of variety and interest; tedious repetition and routine.

My life seems to fit pretty well into that definition these days. A challenge of monotony and chronic illness is something you don't hear about much. But it is a real challenge for those fighting daily illness. And for me, monotony always seems to cause a spiral into a downward motion mentally. Let alone the personal despair it causes me to feel. The time exhausted just living on routine and nothingness. Not the dream life, one would say. 
 
I have been on disability since 2018. Which I had to pursue due to my ailing health. And I am beyond thankful to have it in place. It allowed me to feel a bit secure in my financial independence, which was crucial due to never feeling confident with my health and this body I was gifted to live in. But if I am being honest, disability changed my life drastically. Not just in the ways that are obvious to the human eye. But beyond that. My normalcy of a work schedule and social outings disappeared. And in came, monotony. 
 
Honestly if I didn’t have the non profit and support group to run, I am pretty sure I would be in a really dark place personally. Since I quit my job in 2017…my social life practically disappeared. All the so called “friendships” were the first to go. Next it was the “boyfriend.” Then it was all social groups all together. It is true when they say, you’ll never know until it happens to you. I didn’t, until I did. I had no idea how it would feel to disappear, until I did. 
 
Finding myself has not been an easy process. I lost all routines. All schedules. All normalcy  when I had to end my employment and focus solely on my health. At first, my sole concern was getting better or just plain surviving. But it has also been a full time job, focusing on my health and mind. Everyday was a battle cry of chronic illness. The tedious part of life for me, was focusing everything I had on my nutrition and hydration. To watching countless reruns on TV. To finding a place to lay either on the couch or bed. No more, but on days, certainly, less.  

Five years later….I still fight the monotony of chronic illness. I fight to find something to focus on. Whether it is searching for something or finding the energy to complete it. I fight to find a purpose, for what seems like…daily. I fight to keep my schedule intriguing but not overdoing. I fight to use energy, but not deplete it. I fight to live, with a sole purpose of still existing. Still being present, but not overdoing it. So my schedule, more than not, becomes monotonous. 
 
Chronic illness brings challenges no one ever talks about. It brings depth to your journey that you never knew existed. It challenges every light source you have. Until you’re left with… “I had no choice but to keep going.’ Being chronically ill, brings a potential of monotony. Not the good kind. The kind you fight with for the rest of your life.  It is what you do with it that matters most! 


 
Keep fighting Warriors!