I lost a lot, or so it seemed, with a simple medical diagnosis of a rare nerve disease. I noticed them. I felt every loss. Or so I thought.
Fast forward 17 years…and the loss I find most important, is my self worth. My independent contract with myself. And it took me a little longer than I would like to admit to notice. I began realizing in x, y and z that the main factor was I didn’t feel worthy of anything more. I was receiving what I had deserved. And how terrible a feeling that is to come to. That every ounce of pain within my body was meant for me. Specifically.
I had this realization while having a personal chat with my sister a few weeks ago. She stopped me, during conversation, with tears boiling in her eyes. She said to me, “Jenn, you are worthy of so much in life, regardless of what disease you are diagnosed with. Don’t you know, your worth isn’t defined by your income, status or any health diagnosis. You are so loved, not because you face such challenging situations but because of who you are.” I don’t think up onto that moment, that I had ever felt that. Not because of my loved ones. But because I felt like a curse to anyone who got close to me. Like a voodoo doll stuck with twenty pins. Awaiting more.
My self worth, had failed me. Or I had failed it. But I didn’t realize it, until that moment. I felt like being on disability at 34 years old, Single, no children or possibility of them naturally, living alone in a one bedroom low income apartment…. Meant I was undesirable. I wasn’t worthy of the love and life I always dreamed of. And admitting that to myself in that exact moment, was harder than I ever imagined. But what hurt even more, was seeing my sisters heart break in the moment she realized I actually felt that way.
CRPS has in a sense taken a lot from me. Changed a lot more. But I never realized it took my self worth. It was a slow and steady defeat. One I NOW had to fight to recover.
Getting better…let me rephrase, living with CRPS is a marathon. A daily campaign. And sometimes, you have to reevaluate and review your personal challenges. Sometimes it’s more than the medical challenges. Sometimes it’s mental. It’s personal. It’s tough.
No one should ever feel unworthy in life. And I say this, because…if I felt it, I imagine others do too. I have to tell myself, as I rebuild…. That it’s ok to not be ok all the time. That’s human.
But self worth, shouldn’t be a factor in our diagnosis. You are more than your challenges and struggles. You are worthy despite your medical bills and limited lives. Your life can still be a beautiful place, filled with loving memories, despite what your body says it deserves. Love and life is not just for the healthy. You are worth every breath plus more.
Our expectations meet life’s unexpected twists, and our pretty plans are violated and shattered. We’re disappointed. In new territory. But in these moments, our self worth and self beliefs are what give us the strength to keep fighting. Don’t lose that strength. And if you have, it’s ok, it’s just time to rebuild.
From one warrior to another!